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the cigarette that tastes best
is the one that you will never have again

at 1 am
by the quarry lake’s edge
naked and laughing and still slightly buzzed
she says “I would have drowned if it weren’t for you”
I tell her I was just happy to her body against mine
whatever the reason

the moonlight
my friends
finding their clothes
the black warm water
calling out
instead I run up to a car
since I cant find my lighter
and startle a couple whose tongues
are down each others throat
“you’re naked”
“I’m jonesing really bad- you have a light?”
I take a deep drag, thank them and snake into my jeans
exhale deeply as I climb into my westfalia
and drive into the night

the entire universe and everything that ever could be possible
in the dark
ahead of me.

when I grow up
I’d like to be president
or lao tsu
or aristophanes

actually all three
would fucking rock

I am so much less than
I had hoped to be

and I can watch every minute wasted
detracting from greatness
from changing minds
and creating a belief
that will carry humanity forward
into the light
away from the dark
and depravity and violence
thats makes me want to spit

I look at the white page
blank and desolate
it mocks me
I let it mock me
I let it make me fail
I am paralyzed
I am not as smart as I know I am
would it to be so
it’s not

I succumb to knowing
that within a generation
two if I’m lucky
my words
these words too
will be dust
and pollution in a landfill;
what is the half-life of hard drives?

I’ve done good things for people
and really shitty things to others
I have friends
who make me laugh and be rude
my children love me
and are turning into fabulous grown human beings
more than I could have ever hoped

some days
some nights
some mornings

it’s just enough